Victimisation is Universal…Victimhood is Optional

Several years ago, a young leader familiar with the ‘Triangles Framework’, told me her mother used to challenge her victimhood behaviours by saying: “So you’re playing your little violin are you!” accompanied with a hand gesture mimicking the stroking of a tiny violin!

Interestingly, she recounted this challenge in a positive way – grateful her mother didn’t fall into the trap of rescuing her when she behaved like this.

In my previous post, I spoke of the destructive impact blame can have on workplace morale.  When we get trapped in a ‘Red Triangle’ outlook, another common reaction to adversity, can be to act the victim – the impact being no less detrimental to morale.

At this point, it’s crucial I define what thinking and acting like a victim is, and is not.  

A powerful discussion of this way of coping is provided by psychologist and Holocaust survivor, Edith Eger, in her profound book, ‘The Choice’

In her introduction, reflecting on her own search for freedom and her work as a clinical psychologist, Eger writes: “…suffering is universal.  But victimhood is optional.”  

Eger distinguishes between victimisation and victimhood – the former coming from others, external to us and beyond our control.  Victimhood, however, is internal.

She states: “No one can make you a victim but you.  We become victims not because of what happens to us but when we choose to hold on to our victimization.  We develop a victim’s mind – a way of thinking and being that is rigid, blaming, pessimistic, stuck in the past, unforgiving, punitive…”

I know from personal experience how easy it is to act the victim when the going gets tough.  

When we play the “poor me” card, we effectively excuse ourselves from taking action which is such an easy trap to fall into.

A thought process when we’re in this state goes something like this:

“This isn’t fair.  Why do I have to do this?  How come this always happens to me?  I’m not doing this” etc

We effectively blame others or circumstances for our situation and look for others to relieve us of our responsibility.  We also label ourselves as being helpless; unable to respond to adversity.

In working with leaders, I often ask them to provide examples of victim behaviours in their workplace and crucially, the impact these have on others.

Comments about the impact, make for interesting reading.  

Many make reference to the highly negative and emotional tone which comes with such behaviours and the detrimental effects this has on staff relationships.

Statements about the lack of willingness to take responsibility when people act the victim, are accompanied by comments about the added pressure this places on others who have to pick up additional work. 

This in turn, often leads to feelings of resentment due to having to shoulder an extra workload.

The impact of blame on working relationships and therefore morale in an organisation, is perhaps obvious.  

I would argue leaders need to be equally alert to the negative effects victimhood can have on individuals, their teams and the organisation as a whole.

Finally, one of the common responses to people playing the victim role is for others to step in and effectively rescue them – relieving them of their responsibility.  

In my next post I’ll explore the nature of the rescue dynamic and explain why it’s perhaps the most insidious element of the ‘Red Triangle’ paradigm – how it can have a significant, long term, negative impact on individuals, teams and organisations.

To learn more about Ethical Leaders or to book an appointment with Pete, email: pete@ethicalleaders.com.au or call 0419583077, and click here to connect with Pete on LinkedIn now.